what more can i do?

i have been talking to ShengYang non-stop starting this year.
i kinda miss the seating arrangement for exam last year.
the nonsense that the boys can do.
it's really hilarious SOMETIMES.

i guess girls are either damn nice or extremely bitch.
sincerity and lies.
choose one.
i don't know how to choose.

if i'm alone, the only one person to blame would be me.
i don't know how to be fake with people.
this make me like a dumb piece of shit.
i don't know how to dig my whole heart for them.
this make me look like i'm not being true.

seriously i admit that i'm not that sociable.
first, i had a natural born fierce face.
so what you want me to do?
unfair. people dislikes me because of this.
second, i had a shitty childhood.
i had change at least better than what i used to be.
unfair. people judge me because of this.
third, i'm not as pretty as them.
so am i supposed to do surgery on my face?
no. anyway, unfair. people avoid me because of that.

i tried my best... well, not the best.
at least i'm trying really hard.
no offence but guys used to be like disease to me.
now what:? i can talk, touch (decently, obviously).
what more you wanna say?

i used to be a coward.
people's impression can either make me live or die.
now what? i ignore. i faced it. i deal with it.
what more you want me to do?

just because i cried so i'm not mature?
just because i act silly so i'm not mature?
just because i trusted you so much that's what make me not mature?

oh just get over it.
betrayer one after another.
all shit.

long dued...

i know i haven't been here for a long time.
just feel like writing so i'm here.
it's common test this week and i'm kinda slacking.
cause' tomorrow is math.
i'm kind of confident
but i don't want to lose to anybody else again.
must make sure i get my numbers right
and CARELESS MISTAKES!

well. i cried in school today.
it's really hard for me to keep something in for a long time.
the longer the worst
it's so awful inside there
crying doesn't show that i'm weak or what.
it's just a way of me throwing away my pain and suffer.

don't expect me to shout or argue back
i don't know how to do it.
yes. i mumbled and complained about it.
but what can or what will i do after that?
kill you? hate you? make your life miserable?

nope.
every time. always. i just need a cry.
i don't care it's boy or girl beside me.
when i'm stressed out, all i need is a shoulder.
don't ask me anything cause' i will tell you if i want to.
just keep quiet and let me cry everything out.
i will be fine after that.

but.
all of that is just a dream
i hope i can do that in reality.
it's too realistic that one drop of tear can decide your life.
it's true.
it might not seem serious now.
by the time we step into the society
it's all about harming, blaming, all sorts of shit.

i should just train myself to keep everything to myself till i cannot take it.
and become mad.