i admit..

i admit that i still think of being in a relationship.

it's actually curious.

well

even though it's like this

i still wish to find a guy

where it's destined for both of us

to be a couple

like forever??

anyway

there's no such thing as forever right??

i just wished to have somebody

to be with me

till the world ends..

till my world ends.

i realized that

the boys that i used to like

is just a feeling where

i had never experienced before

well

it's kinda

hard to explain

okay.

no feelings at all

just normal friend

i believe

if i really like a guy

i really like

it's no longer "friend"

i planned to have a wonderful life

after my marriage

but now...

think of it...

will i be able to live through that day??

if i leave...

what if i'm diagnosed with terminal illness??

what if i'm left with only few months time??

what if i'm going to leave you all without any news??

what if i'm really going to die??

will you cry??

will you be sad??

will you come to my funeral??

will you even...care??

if i'm really really going to leave this place

i want to walk through this staircase

meet with my grandfather.

but

can i make it??

will i even get to see the staircase??

it's way too beautiful for me reach.

well

i don't go to clarify

because i'm really to know everything

suddenly

i realized that

i'm really

really

scared of death

it's like a dark hole

where none of your loved one are there

where you are all alone by yourself

where you have no idea what you are supposed to do

it's much more scary than what i used to think

i shouldn't had lived my 17 years just like that

i should have appreciate more

i should have live it more beautifully

instead of wasting time with worthless thing

i should have cherish what i have

my mother

my sister

my best friend

it had all past

it's all useless

to even mention it now

so

what should i do??